Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
