Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
