I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
