sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
