i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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