this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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