I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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