I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
