i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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