I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize