At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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