part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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