My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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