he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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