I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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