I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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