Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
And then he peed in my hair
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