my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
