my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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