I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
