If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
