i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
