i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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