Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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