just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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