Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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