I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
