I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You're a waste of cheezeits
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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