I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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