oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize