I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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