so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
