Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
