I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize