That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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