I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
