I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
