Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
