so that wasnt chicken after all
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
