if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
