I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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