come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
