You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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