grandma shit on top of the toilet
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
