last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
false alarm, still single
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
