I wish I could teleport
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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