I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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