He kissed a someone with a penis
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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