would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
