she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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