all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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