tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize