Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
