my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
