In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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