god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
