I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
