She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
