There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Terrible idea I love it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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